Come Hither, Little Pig

Casting:
Pig
Wolves 1-7
Men 1-2

Props:
Set
Computer monitor & keyboard
Telephone
Crutch & cup for Wolf 7
A quarter or other large coin
Chainsaw

SFX:
1: Truck engine dying
2: Computer connecting to Internet
3: Doorbell
4: Telephone ringing
5: Chainsaw

First scene: A gathering of wolves. (All the wolves are present.)
Wolf 1: Man, I’m hungry.  I haven’t had a fresh kill in days.
Wolf 2: Yeah, the forests are thinning.  Fresh food is getting harder to find.
Wolf 3: Well, there’s that pig across the road, but he never leaves his house alone, and there’s no way to get inside the house.
Wolf 4: We’ve got to try.  I’m starving.  Whoever kills the pig gets half the meat!
All wolves cheer, exit

Second scene: Left side is a red brick house with a pig typing on a computer, right side is outside the house.  Separated by a stout wooden door.  Sound Effect 1. Wolf 1 approaches from the right and knocks.
Pig: Who is it?
Wolf 1: *clears throat* Package for you to sign for!
Pig: *saves work, gets up from computer, walks to door, looks through peep hole* Ah, a wolf!  Sorry, no easy meal today!  I’m working!
W1: (innocently) Meal?  Sir, I’m with UPS, and I need you to sign for this!
P: Oh yeah?  Where’s your uniform?
W1: At the dry cleaner’s.
P: Where’s the package?  I don’t see it!
W1: It’s in the truck.  Really big package.
P: Riiiight.  You want me to open the door, walk across the clearing, and climb into the back of your truck??  How gullible do you think I am?
W1: Sir, if you don’t sign for this package, I’ll have to return it to the sender.
P: You do that.
Exit wolf.  Pig goes back to computer.  Enter Wolf 2.
W2: *knocks loudly* Sir, I’ve got a great offer for you!  May I come in?
P: *gets up from computer, walks to door, peeks through* Who’re you?
W2: I’m with Hoover Vacuum, and I’d like to demonstrate for you the power of our new H-XL-TX430-Force 9-Mark 12 Power Vacuum!  One sweep will pick up the toughest of stains, ingrained crumbs, cracker fragments, fallen Froot Loops, and any other material desecrating your fair carpet!  Try our 30-day trial, and we’ll give you this cordless phone absolutely free at no risk to yourself!  Take the Hoover Challenge!  Sixty seconds with this amazing device will forever convince you that—
P: No thanks!
W2: But sir, the H-XL-TX430-Force 9-Mark 12 Power Vacuu—
P: I’ve got a wooden floor and a broom.  I don’t need a vacuum!  Go away!
W2: Sir, may I come in?
P: NO!!
Wolf leaves.  Pig shakes head, returns to computer.  Pig types for a few seconds.  Wolf 3 hobbles onstage in a beggar’s outfit, complete with cup and crutch.
W3: (softly, slowly) Alms!  Alms for the poor!  The evil communists have taken away my retirement and I’ve got five baby kids at home and the landlord is going to turn us out and my children are starving and I have nothing to live for and all I need to pay the rent is a few more cents…
Pig unbolts the door, flicks a quarter through, and locks the door again.
W3: Thank you, kind sir, and may your health never diminish!  May I see the face of the pig who has saved my children?
P: No!  I’m working!  Go away!!
Exit wolf.  Enter Wolf 4.
W4: *knocks firmly* Sir, in accordance with county regulation L6-470a, point six, paragraph 10, subsection 1500, I’m here to inspect the wiring of your house.  May I come in, please?
P: L6-470a?  Can you quote me that one?
W4: It says: All houses with little pigs in them need to have their wiring inspected.  May I come in please?
P: Hang on a moment, please. Sound of a computer connecting to the Internet comes from within house; Sound Effect 2
W4: (Wolf is getting nervous at having his disguise inspected) It’s a new law, they may not have posted it online yet!
P: We’ll see… hmm, L6-470a… doesn’t go that high.  Try again, wolf!
Wolf wanders off, grumbling.  Enter Wolf 5.
W5: Sir, can I interest you in some Girl Scout cookies?  They’re for our new drive to go see the city!
P: Sorry, not hungry.  Bet you are, though!  No fresh meat in how long?
Wolf leaves.  Enter Wolf 5.  Wolf 5 strides up to the door, rings the bell (Sound Effect 3).
W5: Sir, you’ve won the lottery!!!
P: What?? I don’t buy lottery tickets!
W5: You were entered automatically by listing your name in the phone book.  I’ve got your check!
P: *starts to open door, then quickly bolts it again and looks through window* Aha!  Hello, Mr. Wolf!  Almost got me that time!
W5: Don’t you want your million-dollar check?
Pig sits back down at computer.  Wolf leaves.  Phone rings, pig picks up.
P: Hello?
W3: The Russians are coming!  The Russians are coming!  Bombers sighted near your position!  Get out of the house, now!! *pig hangs up*
Phone rings.  Pig picks up.
P: Hello?
W6: Pig, this is Wolf.  I’ve taken your niece hostage.  Unless I see you at my place within the next 30 seconds, your little niece is going to be my meal instead of you!
P: Oh yeah? Ask her what her name is.
W6: Umm… she says her name is… Bacon!
P: Sorry!  Don’t have any nieces by that name.  Try again!
Pig continues to type at computer.  Enter Wolf 7 w/ chainsaw.
P: Aaagh!!
W7: (starts slicing through the door) Not long now, my yummy friend!
P: Sound of Internet connection starting up heard again.  Pig starts frantically typing on the computer. Let’s see… www.departmentofjustice.gov/records… say, what did you say your name was?
W7: Sid Sharpie.  Why?
P: Sharpie, Sid… change the status to “Wanted!”
Slight pause, then two men in black walk up to Wolf
Man 1: Excuse me.  Sid Sharpie?
W7: Yes, that’s me. (still hacking through the door)
Man 1: Special Agent Kennedy, FBI (shows ID)  You’re wanted for unlicensed possession of a chainsaw. (Wolf hides buzzing chainsaw behind back)
W7: Unlicensed? But I bought it down at Bob’s hardware, all legit… Wait a minute, since when do you need a license for a chainsaw?
Man 2: Since we said so.  
Man 1: Our files show you’re a wanted man, Mr. Sharpie.  Will you come with us?
W7: But… but, but… (yells toward house) THAT’S NOT FAIR, PIG!