ShopDreamUp AI ArtDreamUp
Deviation Actions
Literature Text
It was a hot, sunny day in Peewee Grove. All of Noah’s neighbors were hanging out in the air-conditioned comfort of The Jump, the most popular casino/video arcade in town. Only Noah insisted on staying home and having his devotionals.
The moment he finished, there was a beep from the room computer and “KNOCK KNOCK” appeared on the display above the door, followed by a shot of Japheth, his youngest son, waiting at the door.
“Come in!” he cried. The door slid open. Japheth walked into the room. “Sorry to interrupt your devotionals, Dad, but I just checked the voice-mail and there’s a message from God for you marked URGENT and OPEN IMMEDIATELY.”
“You didn’t interrupt me, son, I just finished. A message from God, you say? I’ll have to check on it. Computer, display inbox on room monitor.”
One wall lit up and displayed a list of messages. “There-- that one” pointed Japheth. “Computer, open message 4.”
A calm voice filled the room. “Noah, I have become fed up with My creation. Everywhere people are turning to evil. I cannot find one good reason to leave the earth as it is, so I am going to reboot the earth. Perform a full purge. Hit Ctrl-Alt-Del. Since you and your son are the only good people on the planet, I want to preserve you-- as well as your wife, your sons, and their wives.
“I want you to build a huge space ark. Not one of those pathetic little cheapie star destroyers, I mean something REALLY huge.
“Attached I have put the blueprints for Project Reboot, as I have named it. Start production immediately. Be sure to follow the plans exactly. If you run out of money, tell Me, and I’ll make sure you get more. This is God, over and out.”
A long silence ensued.
“Well,” said Japheth, “that was interesting.”
///
Noah decided to he had better get to work. But when he opened the file attached to the voice mail, he was astonished. This thing was huge! He had taken it for granted that God had been kidding when he complained about those “cheapie” star destroyers, but God wasn’t joking! It would be, if ever completed, fourteen Space Ball fields long and one doop rack field wide! He would turn every carpenter, electrician, grocer, and pet shop owner in the country into millionaires!
Noah thought about how his sons would take it. Japheth was the tall, slightly quiet one. A somewhat wiry lad, he was a growing, strong Christian, a practicing optimist, and was the closest to his father of the three sons. Japheth had great faith in his father, and, as Noah would have predicted if he had seen the message before Japheth, took the news with faith that everything would turn out right.
Shem was the more aggressive of the three. Shem was an expert at cracking computer security systems, and spend a lot of his time writing new programs for helping him get into restricted documents faster, more easily, and more smoothly. He was having doubts in his walk with God, and Noah was concerned about how he would take the news.
Ham was his third son. Unfortunately, when Shem and Japheth were born, the family used up their whole supply of genes labeled SMART. Thus, Ham was slightly slower than his brothers, and could generally hold only one thought at a time in his head.
Noah’s wife. Noah smiled as he thought of his beloved wife. Her first reaction, he was sure, would be to pack sandwiches for all. Sarah was a wonderful lady, with short, grey hair and a passion for knitting. Noah wondered how they would get by without her maternal influence.
He quickly called his other sons to his side, briefed them, and asked if there were any questions. Both were silent for a minute, and then Shem soothed, “Now dad, don’t worry. Everything’s going to be all right. Now just step right into this nice, comfortable straightjacket...”
“I’m not kidding, boys! God actually said that! Here, listen to this. Computer, repeat most recently played message.”
Again the calm voice filled the room and outlined the plans for the ark, and again the long silence sounded. “Where did you get this, Dad?” Shem asked.
“It came in with the voice mail this morning. You should have seen the attachment it had on it! Here, I’ll show it to you. Computer, open the attachment for this file.”
A hologram appeared in the center of the room, showing the dimensions, shape, and everything else they would need to know to build the ark.
“Cool!” said Japheth.
“When do we start?” said Ham.
“Impossible!” said Shem.
“Come on, boys, we can do it! When God’s on our side, we can do anything!”
“I dunno, Dad, this thing looks pretty big. It could take years to build. And what if God doesn’t come through with the money? We’d be broke in a week!”
“It looks big?!? Would you rather be toasted alive, drowned like seaweed, or whatever God decides to do with the earth?!?”
“I see your point.”
“And how is it possible that God won’t come through with the money? We’re talking about God Himself, the Creator of the universe, the One who never, ever breaks his promises! Don’t worry about that. He’ll come through, all right.”
///
“Stuff-mart carry-out service, may I help you?”
“Yes, please. I’d like 5000 pounds of durasteel, and about, say, twice that in assorted animal feed.”
Silence.
“Excuse me, can you repeat that please?”
“Certainly. I’d like 5,000 pounds of durasteel and 10,000 pounds of assorted animal feed. Oh, and do you accept MasterCard?”
“Hold on.”
“Stuff-mart management department, may I help you?”
“Yes, please. I’d like 5000 pounds of durasteel, and about, say, twice that in assorted animal feed.”
Silence.
“Excuse me, can you repeat that please?”
“Certainly. I’d like 5,000 pounds of durasteel and 10,000 pounds of assorted animal feed.”
“Welllllll, how soon do you need it?”
“Not immediately, but I’ll tell you this much: it’s in the interest of the survival of the human race, as well as all the animals.”
“Hmm... Well, I might be able to get the durasteel to you by next week, but the animal feed might take a few months. I could probably get it to you in installments, though. That’ll be $897,406.89. It’d be more, but we’re having a sale on animal feed.”
“Great. Do you accept MasterCard?”
“Of course.”
“Good. One of my sons will be over to finalize at 2:00.”
///
“NowLite rent-a-builder department, may I help you?”
“Yes, we need a team of builders. We have the plans all made out, and all the durasteel ready, we just need a team of about 100 builders, ten engineers, and anything else you’d need to build a 50,000 meter long space ark.”
“O.K. How soon do you need ‘em?”
“Next week.”
“All right, that’ll be $499.98.”
“Do you take MasterCard?”
“‘Fraid not. Only checks... or, of course, hard cash.”
“Hmmm... OK, one of my sons will be over at 2:00 to hand it over. He’ll be the one with the briefcase.”
“Sure you don’t want to use a check?”
“Nope.”
“Your funeral, pal. All right, see ya soon.”
“Bye.”
///
“Best Friend Animal shelter and pet shop, sales department, may I help you?”
“Depends. Can you deliver one male and one female of every single species of animal on earth to our doorstep within the next 120 years?”
“Yeah, right, wise guy.”
Click.
“OK, I’ll try someone else. Maybe I started wrong.”
BEEP BEEP BEEP boop BEEP boop beep
“Joe’s Animal Store, sales department, may I help you?”
“Hi, I’d like a male and a female of every type of animal in existence; do you think you can handle that?”
Pause.
“How soon do you need them?”
“Sometime within the next 120 years.”
“I’d really like to be able to say yes, but I don’t think it would work out. Try the SPCA.”
“Good idea. Believe I will.”
///
“SPCA, may I help you?”
“I need to speak to someone in charge.”
“Hold on.”
Pause.
“SPCA management department, may I help you?”
“Hi, this is Noah. I’m building a space ark, because I have it on good authority that a major event is about to happen on earth that no-one on earth is going to survive. Anyway, I need one male and one female of every single type of animal on earth.”
“Hmmm... you realize you will have to pay a lot for this?”
“Well, I was hoping to get them for free, but if that won’t work out... I suppose I could pay, say, a thousand dollars for it.”
“How soon do you need them?”
“Within 120 years.”
“I’d say that’d be worth, right, about a thousand dollars.”
“Deal.”
“All right, we’ll start work on the project. What’s your address?”
Noah told him, terminated the connection, and then turned to his sons and wife. “Everything’s taken care of. Let’s see, we have durasteel, animals, animal feed, builders... The builders should know what else we need.”
“Um, Dad?” Ham broke in. “You forgot one of the animals. Guess. Stands about 6 feet tall, no fur, stands on it’s hind legs, has long hair.”
“Let me guess... Melissa.”
Melissa was Ham’s dream. Besides being absolutely drop-dead gorgeous, she had a masters in physics, was a young Christian, and didn’t know Ham from what you get out of a pig.
“Speaking of which, we need wives too,” interjected Japheth.
“Uh... yeah.” agreed Shem.
Sarah interjected that the whole trip would be so much homier with a few more women on board.
“Well, er, you can’t rush these things,” replied Noah.
“True, but we need to start thinking about it. I want to make sure I get the right one before I get on a six-month journey with her with no way to get off.” said Shem.
“Don’t worry; you do have 120 years to pick. Oh, hey, changing subjects, would you mind going to hand over the money for the builders at two? I’m sending Japheth to get the durasteel.”
“Aw, do I have to do it? I’m not good with animals. Send Ham; he loves all those cute little squirrels and all that jazz.”
“No, I don’t think that would work out... he might get too attached to them and forget to come back.”
///
“Hey, boss. Incoming SkyCar. Hey, must be one of those Noah people coming to pick up the durasteel; it’s got a HUGE cargo bay on the back end..”
“Of course, Biff,” replied the overseer. “Vwhy is he so late?”
“Probably took him an hour to get that cargo bay hooked up. We’re lucky he isn’t two hours late.”
“Oh vwell. Do you have ze durosteel?”
“I thought you had Jason take care of that.” The cashier cursed.
“Vwhy, do not say such a thing! I not like it when you say zat. Jason told me you prepared ze durasteel.”
“Jason’s a turkeylips. Jason was supposed to get the durasteel.”
“You get ze durasteel.”
“Jason gets the durasteel.”
“You get ze durasteel or you get ze boot, if I may use ze Amarican exzpressióne.”
“Did anyone ever tell you you are very convincing?”
“Hey, guys. Got the durasteel? Great. I’ll start loading it-” Japheth paused, scanning the faces of the two workers. “Oh, it’s not ready yet?”
“Vwell... no. Zese vworkers of mine, foo! Zey never get anysing done. Alvays qvarreling.”
“Oo. Father said that you said you’d have it.”
“Vwell... due to a zlight administrative error, zese no-good vworkers of mine have, er, missed ze assignment,” the CEO replied nervously, trilling his r’s wonderfully.
“Hmm... hold on.” Japheth pulled a comlink out of his jeans pocket and held a hurried conversation with his father. After terminating the connection, he turned to the overseer, who was pronouncing the fate of his employee, and stated that if they could have the durasteel ready by tomorrow, then he would take it, otherwise they would take their business to another vendor.
“Oh, sank you, zir! Vee vill not dizappoint you ze second time!” the grateful manager replied.
///
“Incoming fleet of construction-class ships.”
“Thanks, computer. Hail ‘em.”
The wall monitor lit up, showing a mid-40’s man with a toupee.
“So, is this Noah I’m speaking to?”
“Yes, and your name is...?”
“Sam Skylark. Glad to meet you.”
“Very much so. So, you’re the top guy in the builder team we requested?”
“Uh huh. Say, uh... never mind.” The builder paused recalling that people didn’t generally like to have their son’s manners criticized this early into a job. People skills. Think people skills. “Do you have a field where we can get to work?”
“Try out back. Our durasteel supplier hiccuped, so the steel isn’t quite ready yet.”
“Well, we’ll start working on the bridge controls anyway. Can I see the plans?”
“Here they come.”
“Whoa, those nerds in sales weren’t kidding.”
“‘Fraid not. Anything else you need?”
“How about a place to park?”
“Oops. Here you go.” Noah hit the -MUTE- button and instructed his computer to open a docking bay.
“Thanks.” The worker terminated the connection.
///
“I KNOW zat you sought Biff would get ze durasteel!!!”
“Then why is it my fault?”
“Because I asked you to get it, and you transferred ze load to him! Wizout pehmission!!”
“But he doesn’t have anything to do anyway, boss! I was only trying to even out the workload! I-”
“I, I, I! Zat’s all you eveh sink about! Now you will get ze durasteel, or I will have you fired and shot, in zat order!! Now get to work, you useless idiot!!!” The overseer was pink with rage.
“All right, all right, I’m going. Sheesh,” the worker grumbled as he reluctantly moved towards his post. Why did I join this dead-end job anyway, he muttered as he began the process and headed out toward the mixer at the back of the property.
///
The next day, Ham went out to check on the “project”, as everyone called it. “So, uh, is everything going okay?” he asked in the words he’d rehearsed several times in his bedroom. “Dad wants to know whether there are any, uh, problems.”
“No, everything is going on schedule so far,” replied one of the workmen.
Ham was about to answer when-- as fate would have it-- the doorbell rang.
Immediately everyone in Noah’s household dove for cover. If you lived in Noah’s household, you knew that you did not want to be in the path between Ham and the front door when the doorbell rang.
The first ring sounded. The family went into red alert, making tracks for the top of the table. Actually, they didn’t make tracks, they made patches of rubber. Ham’s legs went into warp 9, mowing down the innocent, unaware worker who hadn’t been briefed on Ham’s behavior.
The second ring. Ham’s superb directional-finding system told him he was headed the wrong way, so he whirled around, dug a half-meter ditch into the grass with his legs, and mowed the workman down again.
The third ring. Ham was in a zone. Two thoughts filled his mind: MELISSA and MUST GET TO DOOR. He blasted through the back door and entered hyperspace aiming for the front one.
Just as the fourth ring sounded, Ham pulled up short in front of the door, smoothed his hair at lightspeed and opened the door to face...
A mailman with raised eyebrows. “Sign for this package, mister?”
“Oh.” Condition green.
///
After signing for the package, Noah headed for the kitchen with his sons. “Whaddya think’s inside, Dad?” asked Japheth.
“I really have no idea, son. I did order that new module for the car recently, so it could be that...”
“Maybe my new knitting needles?” Sarah hopefully wondered.
“Open it! Open it!” cried Ham.”
Noah tapped the release button. Inside was... dough! Piles and piles of moohlah!
“It’s our first shipment from God!” exclaimed Japheth.
“Hmmm... What’s the return address?” asked Shem.
“Let me check... Well, that’s interesting,” replied the happy father. “There is none.”
“Interesting,” Shem surmised.
“What does it matter? We now have the funds to keep building the ark!” exclaimed Noah.
“And not only tha-”
“No, no, no, we are not going to spend this divine gift on designer studs. Or new modules for the simulator,” he added, glancing at a crestfallen Ham.
///
RING!
“I’m coming, I’m coming,” Noah groaned as he dragged himself out of bed.”
RING!
“All right! All right!” Noah picked up the vidphone. “Hello?”
“Hello, Monsieur Noah? Zis is your durasteel supplieur. I have ze durasteel ready.”
“Oh good. All right, Japheth will be over to pick it up. Noah out.”
“Wait, Monsieur Noah! I apologize for the contraire attitude of my vworkers. I have shifted ze blame to vwhere it belongs, and I am sure zat if you should eveh care to make anosser puhchase, you vill be most pleased by the kvality of our sehvice.”
“Thank you, I appreciate that. I am sure that if we ever need to make another purchase, we will come to you first.” If you survive the flood.
“You are too kind, Monsieur! I am sorry for getting you up so early!”
“Don’t think of it. Noah out.”
///
“Hey, have you guys see Noah’s latest project?”
“You mean that big pile of junk that he keeps in his back yard? Yeah. Never thought that Noah would turn out to be a garbage collector.”
These were the type of comments heard in Peewee Grove during the construction of the ark. It was a publicly known fact that Noah was, in fact, building a giant space ark containing millions of cages in his back yard. Obviously, Noah had cracked, and many of his neighbors had come over to try and restore his sanity, to ridicule him, or to just plain look with sad eyes on the remnant of what had before been the coolest head in town. Japheth and Shem had in fact developed a game: whenever the house computer informed them that a non-authorized bystander was strolling up the lawn, they would go to the window and theoretize about what type of person had come to visit their fair abode and what kind of damage they would try to do to their dear father’s ego. Shem usually won.
The comments often went something like this: “Poor Noah... So sad, you know, how such a stable person like him could have, decomposed, into, that...”
Or:
“Noah, you’re making a fool out of yourself. Mark my words, someday you’re going to look back on this and regret, I say regret will fill your heart. And your boys! What kind of future are you saving up in store for them? ‘Japheth son of Noah? Wasn’t he the one that went nuts in his early 540’s?’ That’s what they’ll say, Noah, that’s what they’ll stay.” And on and on and on.
Or:
“Noah... you’re an idiot.”
Short and to the point, but it got the job done. Noah was just about collapsing from the stress. Of course, he tried to tell them that God was going to destroy the earth with a flood, but they just laughed. Even with the mysterious money shipments to cheer him up, it was becoming too much for Noah.
One day came the final straw. Noah received a letter from the SPCA stating that he would have to stop work on the ark if he couldn’t immediately prove that this project had the best interest of spotted owls in mind.
Noah was furious. “Spotted owls?? I have the best interest of HUMANITY and ALL the animals in mind!!!!” he screamed into the vidphone.
“Now, Mr. Noah, don’t get all upset. We here at the SPCA-”
“I don’t care what you idiots at the Society of Fools think-- I’m going to save the human race whether you like it or not!” Noah hung up.
Japheth looked at him with raised eyebrows. “Was that really necessary?”
“I’m sorry, Japheth. I’m just stressed out right now. I think I’d better have my devotionals.” Noah trudged to his bedroom and closed the door.
Japheth watched his father with sad eyes. These last few days had been really hard on his dad. He needed something to cheer him up-- although what that could be, Japheth had no idea.
///
The years passed. Slowly the ark grew. The three boys obtained wives. The animals came one by one. Whenever their financial situation began to grow grim, another package came in the mail.
One day, Mrs. Noah walked in the door with a message from the builder’s team. “Mr. Skylark says the ark is almost finished! He wants you to make one last inspection before they put the finishing touches on it.”
“Thanks, Sarah. I’m on my way.”
///
“All right, Mr. Skylark, whacha got?”
“I think you’ll like it. I took the liberty of making a few minor changes, but the general structure remains the same.”
Noah frowned. That wasn’t what God had said. But this was an expert builder, and he would at least have to look at the changes before rejecting them. “All right, let’s see them. Shem! Ham! Japheth! Come on! We’re going to tour the ark!”
The builder tapped a button on his belt. “Higgins, five to beam up.”
Noah sprang forward in sudden alarm. “Mr. Skylark, I don’t think that’s a good ide-”
The fivesome shimmered and were gone.
Several instants later on the ark, Ham whispered to his father, “Dad, I don’t feel so-”
“I know son. Mr. Skylark can we tour the restrooms first? My son has an emergency. Transporters make him heave.”
“Sorry, sir.” Sam led them to the turbolift at one corner of the transporter room. As it shot upwards, Skylark remarked, “That reminds me of the first modification I made-- You have a shuttle bay, but I noticed you didn’t have a transporter system included in the plans.”
“Now you know why. Well, keep it in place if you must, but I don’t want to have to pay for that thing.”
“Of course not, sir.”
Several minutes later, Ham walked out of the bathrooms with a relieved expression on his face. “Hey, Mr. Skylark-- impressive restrooms. I never seen a bathroom so clean.”
“That’s because it’s new, sonny. They’ll dirty themselves up soon enough.”
Noah interjected, “All right, all right. Enough chitchat. Improvisement number two, Mr. Skylark?
///
“Improvement number two: I changed the color of the floor tile in the bathrooms from neon orange to permacrete white.”
Noah glared at Shem, who was almost successfully trying to hide a guilty grin. Almost. Shem had a passion for hacking, but Noah remembered certain details about the ark from the first time he opened it. The white bathroom tile was one of them. “Approved.” Good thing I backed up the file to an unrelated file name as soon as I received it, he thought.
“Improvement number three: I reduced the size of Bedroom 3 from half of the ark to the same size as the others.”
Three looks, each of which would have melted silicon, caught Shem full in the face. I really need to learn to draw the line, he thought to himself.
We’ll talk later, he saw in his father’s eyes. Uh oh.
“Improvement number four: I updated the computer system to the latest version. Seriously, Mr. Noah, the control program that ‘God’ gave Adam and Eve 500 years ago is just a little bit obsolete, don’t you think? You can’t earnestly expect to control a ship this size with-”
“Mr. Skylark, I know exactly what I’m doing and I want my choice of computer system on this thing. I don’t care if my computer has a few less features and a lot less bugs, I want the Master’s control system on this boat if you have to tear apart the whole thing and rebuild it. And don’t tell me the system doesn’t have an uninstall option; I’ve read the reports and I know exactly and perfectly well what I’m doing. Is that clear?”
“Yes sir.” The foreman grimaced.
“Good. Make the changes. I’ll come here tomorrow and I want this thing finished. Got it?”
“Yes sir.”
///
Japheth walked into the room just as Zorg blew Luigi away with his ion torpedoes. Melissa giggled. “How goes it, space ranger?” queried Japheth in a voice meant to sound like a space policeman, although it came out sounding like a dweeb.
“Terrible. I wish you’d never learned how to reprogram Nintendo; the original program was a lot easier.”
“Aw, that was no fun. The evil king in the original was way too easy; I beat him every time I played.”
“Yeah, but what about us?”
“You just have to learn. There are secrets in these games, you know.”
“Yeah, but I still don’t think it’s fair.”
“Where’s Shem?”
“Dad’s still talking with him in the other room.”
Japheth put his ear to the door. The drone of his father’s voice did not give any sign of letting up soon, aside from Shem’s sad grunts coming more and more often. Good, he thought to himself.
He turned to his brother. “I’m going out. I have something I want to buy.”
“Happy trails.”
///
As Japheth jumped onto his rocket scooter and punched in the coordinates for the army store, he thought about what he was planning to get. He’d already written up and copied to disk the text on his computer, and had saved up the money for the gift. Now all he had to do was go out there and get it.
Twenty minutes later, he arrived home and docked his vehicle. After checking to make sure that there was no one in the hallway, he quietly sneaked into his room and sealed the door. He quickly dipped the box in the automatic wrapper and watched as the wrapping paper hardened. Then he quickly rolled up the flatscreen TV and placed his hand on the wall behind where it had lay. The hidden safe opened, and he placed the package inside before commanding the safe to close. It slid shut with a swish, and he let the TV unroll. He let out a breath. His secret was safe.
///
The next day, Noah was up bright and early to check on the ark. “So, Mr. Skylark, finished yet?” he queried over the temporary ship-to-house connection.
“Almost. The computer is uninstalling itself right now. After that all we have to do is run the setup program for your system and enter your profiles.” The connection fizzled as the computer finished its uninstall.
“We’ll do the profile entering. All right, after you finish installing, tell me and figure your bill. I’ll be waiting for your signal. Noah out.”
///
After the computer finished loading the control program, Noah was quick to board the ship and take control of the vessel. He entered a command password, set access rights for his sons (no DELETE *.* for Ham!) and assigned rooms to each of them.
Just as he finished these administrative tasks, his computer flashed EMERGENCY MESSAGE and Ham’s face appeared on the screen. “Um, Dad? Could you come to the front door, like, real quick? There are some army guys here, with, Class I phasers, and they kinda want to see you real bad.”
“I’ll be right there, Ham. Don’t worry.”
Noah quickly saved his modifications and headed for the transporter room. Once there, he grabbed a communicator off the table and instructed the computer to activate the transporter on his signal. He set coordinates for just inside the front door.
///
“All right, gentlemen, what seems to be the problem?”
“Are you Noah son of Lamech?”
“Yes, why do you ask?”
“I’m agent Darth son of Bartholomew, and this is agent Wheel, son of Agon. You are under arrest for violation of the Endangered Animals Precinct, section 3, paragraph 14. I’m afraid you’ll have to come with us.”
“Why, when did I do that?”
“The SPCA has filed a complaint against you for violation of the Rights of the Spotted Owls. Apparently you are planning to imprison two owls for an extended period of time without their written permission.”
“Oh, that. Can I just say I’m sorry and ask for their permission?”
“Afraid not.” The policeman slapped a gooey mixture onto Noah’s wrists which hardened in seconds.
“Okay, hold on.” Noah turned to his sons. “Guys, I’ll be back soon. Meanwhile, finish loading on the rest of the animals.”
“Okay, Dad,” Shem said rather shakingly. The boys’ wives’ eyes were huge. Sarah handed him a sandwich.
“Don’t worry, everything will turn out fine.” Noah turned and headed for the police cruiser.
///
As Noah sat in the dingy jail cell, he mentally ran over the trial. It had been a basic “Kangaroo Court”, as Shem would have put it, simply a formality required to lock him up. Of course, his defense hadn’t been all that strong, but there had been little he could do about that.
He smiled as he remembered the look on the young prosecutor’s face when Noah asked, “Well, why did it take you this long to file a case? Why wasn’t this resolved years ago?”
“Well, er, one of our computer users hit the wrong button and deleted our entire computer system. We had backups, but none of them had your name on them. We only recovered the last of the files a week ago,” the representative nervously replied.
Suddenly he straightened up. What had they said was his sentence? A year? Yes, that was it. But God had said that the rains would be coming in a week! He would be long drowned before he ever got out of this prison! And so would everyone else!
He quickly got up and inspected the walls of his prison. Tapping every square centimeter of permacrete, he could find not a single area that was hollow or that might serve as a secret exit.
He walked over to the door. The force field appeared solid, without any flickers or shimmers, and he doubted that he could bring it down by messing with the wires from the inside; he’d have to break through the wall beside it first, and that prospect didn’t look appealing.
He started pacing. There must be a way out. God wouldn’t have put him in this situation without a way out. Or would he? It had been Noah’s fault that he’d lost his temper on the phone. Perhaps this was God’s way of punishing him. He sat down on the bed and began to pray.
He prayed for forgiveness, firstly. He prayed for forgiveness for losing his temper and prayed for the ability to control it in the future. He prayed for his sons-- what were they doing right now? They would probably be scared to death! The police had stripped him of his communicator and all his other tools, but they hadn’t counted on his ability to pray. He lay down and fell into a fitful sleep.
///
“Yeeha! This baby is somethin’!”
Shem was having the time of his life. After cracking Noah’s access codes, he’d teamed up with his brothers to launch the ark and get it into orbit. Now all he had to do was find and navigate to the penal colony where Noah was imprisoned. Ham’s voice came over the intercom, “WeatherWatcher 001 reporting: Cloudy skies, humidity 40%, 80% chance of rain today. We’re running out of time, guys.”
Japheth, up on the bridge, yelled, “Hey, Shem-- get your nose out of Engineering! I need your help up here! These controls are way too complex and I can’t steer and manage the Science station at the same time!”
“Ten-four, big daddy. I’ll be right up.” Shem headed for the turbolift.
///
Noah knew that something was wrong. For some reason, he was in an argument with a judge that looked strangely like... he looked closer... almost exactly like... an owl. He knew that an owl was the proverbial symbol of wisdom, but having an owl as a judge was definitely weird. Suddenly the courtroom was full of people. Slime monsters that looked like huge statues made out of the material that the police had used as handcuffs were driving him toward a wheel. They were putting him into a hamster’s wheel! He tried to resist, but there was too many of them; they shoved him on it and locked the door. The wheel began to turn, and he had to run to stay on his feet. Faster and faster and faster the wheel turned, and he knew that he couldn’t make it, he couldn’t keep up... “Shem! Ham! Japheth!” he cried. “Help me!” but they just laughed. Ham tried to feed him some hamster kibble, but he was running too fast... Japheth ordered four Big Macs, and the three brothers began eating, but Noah couldn’t have any... The boy’s wives looked over and giggled, teasing him with fries... Sarah handed him a sandwich, but it melted into slag in his hands. Shem looked over and saw his father running desperately, and trying to get the extra hamburger, so he held out his hand with the Big Mac, but it was too far away... Noah tried and tried to reach it, but he couldn’t... reach...
Noah woke up in a cold sweat. As he tried to calm his rapid breathing, he thought, It’s only a dream. It was only a dream.
This kind of self-pity would never help anything. He shook himself, physically and mentally. He got off the bed and sat down next to the door. In the morning, he would formulate a plan for escape. For now, he would sit and pray.
///
“Found him!”
“Excellent, cap’n! Now all we have to do is break him outta there!” Shem replied to Japheth’s excited cry. “Where’d they stick him?”
“In the dungeon underneath their fortress. No, I’m not kidding, it really is dark, cold, and clammy under there if the sensors are right. Humidity 78%, temperature 75 degrees Fahrenheit.”
“What creeps. All right, beam him up.”
“Um, I don’t think that’ll work.”
“Why not? Send down a shuttlecraft if it makes you feel better,” a surprised Shem asked.
“Even a shuttle couldn’t get through the forcefield they’ve put over the complex. They were ready for us.”
///
Noah jerked awake. What was that sound he’d heard? It had sounded like...
It was gone. “I must have been dreaming again. I must stay awake!” he mused to himself.
There it was again! A distinct chord had sounded softly somewhere near him.
Noah grimaced. What could be playing music here at this time of night? (At least he thought it was night. Here, it was hard to tell.)
A third time, the chord sounded, but this time it was accompanied by a second chord and a brief glimmer of light. Noah looked around. As near as he could tell, the light had come from the middle of the floor. How could that be? There was nothing there. He even got up and pushed on all the stones in the direction from which had come the light. Nothing unusual. Noah sat down again.
Suddenly the room exploded into light. A calm voice filled the prison cell. “Noah, I know all the trials you have come through. I know how you have been faithful to me through it all. Soon you will be able to rest from your work.”
“Lord, I- I’ve failed you,” Noah stammered. “I’ve majorly messed up Your work, and- and I don’t think I deserve any of Your grace. I haven’t been able to- to control my temper, and it’s probably right that I’m here.”
“Noah, deserving has nothing to do with it. I know your sins, and they are forgiven. Now, rest, for you have a long journey ahead of you.”
The light faded, and Noah lay back, resting in God’s perfect peace. He didn’t even notice when he slowly faded out of the jail cell.
///
“What’s happening?”
“Transporter lockon has vanished!” yelled Shem to his panicked brother. “We’re losing him!”
“Sensors indicate an empty cell!”
“Wait a minute, wait a minute-- Security indicates four human life-forms aboard this ship! We’ve been boarded!”
“Ham-- get your rear out of the weather station and head for room C4!” Japheth hollered into his communicator.
The two brothers grabbed two phasers each and headed for the designated section of the ship-- Bedroom 1.
///
It was a happy family reunion when the three brothers found that they had been “boarded” by friendly forces. All three of them had a lot of catching up to do, but there was no time to do it in the bedroom; 50,000-meter space yachts can’t run themselves forever. So, after strolling over to the bridge, they had a long talk about how did the trial go, and the trouble with the dinosaurs (the raccoons got into the eggs), and all the we missed yous and we’re so glad you’re backs and the long bear hugs that would take pages to write down. But aren’t these some of the things that make life worth living?
///
So, what more can I say? God completed the flood. Every last life-form on the planet was wiped out, except for the ones within the confines of Noah’s space ark. But after 6 months of replicator fodder, the family was getting tired of it.
After hearing the complaints of the three girls, Noah asked Ham whether they could send a probe out to check for any dry land. “Aye aye, sir!” replied the boy. “Launching probe!” The next day, the probe returned to the ship with no findings. Ham read its memory banks and reported to his father: “No landmasses above water. I’ll launch the probe again in a few days.”
He did so, and this time the probe returned with good results-- it had succeeded in retrieving a section of wildlife.
The family oohed and aahed over the exiquite leaves, the slender stem-- they hadn’t seen a stitch of wildlife (except for the animals and their food) for almost a year!
The next day, when Ham launched the same probe out a third time, it only sent back a radio message-- “Have found landmass. Will continue to broadcast beacon signal.” That and a continuous tone were all that they heard from it.
Noah called a meeting. “Land has been found. We are going to land the ark and head for the surface in a organized, calm manne-”
That was as far as he got. Noah was nearly trampled in the stampede to the viewscreen.
“Where? Where?” screamed Stephanie, Japheth’s wife.
“I don’t see anything!”yelled Josephine, Shem’s lovebug.
“Should I pack sandwiches?” questioned Sarah.
Ham yelled, “Show forward starboard upper camera!” The view changed, but still nothing dry could be seen. “Er, that’s forward port upper camera.” I need to catch up on my boat terms.
The next instant, the whole crew was partying. “Yeeha!” yelled Shem. “Finally, no more processed air!”
“I’ll get to resupply my makeup!” proclaimed Stephanie.
“Um, I wouldn’t be to sure about that, sweety,” Japheth sadly stated. “All the stores got wiped out.”
“Well, what about my clothes? I’ve already worn nearly all of them-- twice!!”
“We’ll make you some new ones,” Noah smiled, but inside he thought, Out of what? I doubt she’ll appreciate the animal skins we can sew together.
A silence hung in the air for several seconds, and then Japheth quietly intoned “Science station launching probe.” Everyone quickly crowded around the console, as Japheth reported, “Temperature 84 degrees Fahrenheit, humidity slightly above normal, one landmass above water level located.”
“Setting course for landmass,” added Shem.
Noah replied, “Ready the shuttlecrafts. We’re going home.”
///
While Noah and the three boys began loading the animals into the shuttlecrafts, Josephine (Shem’s wife) decided to do some exploring. “Those stuck-up men never allowed me to do anything on the bridge. They say I don’t know how, huh? Well, I’ll show them! A woman can do these things just as well as a man!” With that, she walked up to the main computer and started exploring. The fist thing she came upon was the settings for the transporter. Ignoring the EMERGENCY ONLY signs, she said, “Well, this isn’t right. Transport everything should be set to on. Don’t want to beam down missing a liver.” With that, satisfied that she had done a good deed, she flounced off of the bridge.
///
“OK, that should do it. Let’s see-- aardvark, armadillo, what’s left of the Angeosaur...” Noah started down the list of animals. They were all accounted for. “All right, start the launch procedure.”
Noah knew that the autopilot would take all the animals to the still-broadcasting probe no problem. That was the least of his worries. He was wondering how on earth he was going to land the ark without hurting it. They had all the technology of their previous world there, at least in blueprint form, and if anything happened to the databanks, Noah would never forgive himself.
“All right, everyone into the Personnel shuttle.”
“Personnel shuttle? Um, well,-”
“Don’t give me that. The personnel shuttle is here, right? Please say it’s here.”
“The impulse engines on the lions’ shuttle broke down,” Japheth replied sheepishly. “I had to cannibalize something. Can’t we all just beam down?”
Noah glanced over at Ham who was turning slightly pale already. “Most of us could, but I don’t want our first impression on this brand new planet to be, uh, well...”
Ham was in full agreement. “How about the emergency lifeboat?”
“I suppose you could use that, but what if something goes wrong? How would I get out?” objected Noah.
“Use the transporter, of course.”
“Well what if that locks up?”
“OK, OK. Let’s see... Wait a minute, this thing doesn’t have one of those motor scooters does it? Let me check... Yes! All right, we beam down to the surface. Ham takes the motor scooter, and when you’re ready,” here Japheth motioned to his father, “you either beam down or take the lifeboat. How does that sound?”
“Perfect!” proclaimed Ham.
“Profound!” replied Stephanie.
“I hope this works,” muttered Noah.
///
After beaming the crew down, Noah headed for the bridge to do some piloting. As he walked in the door, he pulled up short and stared at the viewscreen.
Suddenly Noah remembered the small guilty feeling he had had, dismissing as irrational, as he had given the green light for the transporters. I’m sorry, Lord, I had no idea.
Now, though, there was no choice but to try to remedy the problem. Noah chose option B.
The screen cleared, only to reappear with the same message. Noah pressed the same button again, but this time nothing at all happened.
Noah pondered his options. He could attempt to continue, but that might jam the lifeboat bay door controls closed, turning his beloved ark into a huge fiery coffin.
He considered pulling the plug on lifesupport. He knew that the atmosphere inside the ship wouldn’t immediately collapse (it would gradually decay, changing from mostly oxygen to mostly carbon dioxide to pure carbon dioxide), but he wasn’t so sure about the artificial gravity. There would probably be some gravity from the planet they were in orbit around, though. And he would never stand to blow the whole ship up. He chose option c.
Immediately the hum of the air processors stopped, most of the gravity released, and Noah was adrift. He ordered the computer to shut down the transporters, and then re-activate lifesupport. It failed to do either. He ordered a scan for a good place to set the ark down. No response. He ordered activation of manual helm control of the ship. No answer.
Noah was stuck.
///
With great reluctance, Noah abandoned the bridge. There was nothing he could do here. Strangely enough, as he walked over to the door, it didn’t open. He waved his hand and jumped up and down in front of it. Nothing happened The automatic doors must be controlled by Life Support. Great.
He fished around in his pocket for something to get the door open with. He felt his communicator, his miscellaneous fix-all tool, and— wait, what was this? A phaser! Just like... exactly like the type the guards from the SPCA had used! Noah’s face erupted in an ear-to-ear grin. God was with him, he should have realized all along that He would make a way out. He stood back and took aim at the door.
///
After making his way through the maze of corridors now so familiar to him, blasting doors as he came to them, he finally came upon the emergency lifeboat system. This, fortunately, was separate from all the other power grids, and worked independently from the Life Support system. He entered, powered up the launch thrusters, and blasted off! Through his rear-view mirror he saw the ark head for a large mountain. Noah knew exactly what he would call the sight of the crash: Mt. Error At.
///
The family was glad to see their beloved father again, especially after their communicator calls to the ark hadn’t come through. They were disappointed that the ship it had taken them 120 years to build had been lost, but, as Sarah put it, “at least no one was on it when it crashed.”
At one point Japheth put his arm around his father. “Dad, there’s something I’d like to tell you, and that is that you have been a remarkable father through all of this. I watched as all those people tried to tear you down, and I saw how you dragged yourself out of bed each morning only to face another round of jeers. Before we left, I got this for you.”
Japheth handed his father the box-- the gift he had bought all those months ago. He smiled as his father opened it-- a captain’s uniform bought at a navy store. “Remember that lady that said ‘someday you’ll look back on this and regret will fill your heart’? I wanted to make sure that didn’t happen. Read what’s written on the hat.”
Noah looked closely at the brim. Engraved in tiny letters was this message:
NOAH SON OF LAMECH
ARK CAPTAIN FIRST-CLASS
BROUGHT THE HUMAN RACE THROUGH THE GREATEST CRISIS YET KNOWN TO MAN
JOB 9:8
Noah smiled as he recited the verse from memory: “He alone spreads out the heavens, and treads on the waves of the sea.”
“I put that there to remind you that even during the time in prison, even when the computer locked up, even as you had to bail out from your 120-year project with all the technology of the world on it, God was with you through the whole thing.”
Noah smiled, tears in his eyes. “I know, son. I know.”
The moment he finished, there was a beep from the room computer and “KNOCK KNOCK” appeared on the display above the door, followed by a shot of Japheth, his youngest son, waiting at the door.
“Come in!” he cried. The door slid open. Japheth walked into the room. “Sorry to interrupt your devotionals, Dad, but I just checked the voice-mail and there’s a message from God for you marked URGENT and OPEN IMMEDIATELY.”
“You didn’t interrupt me, son, I just finished. A message from God, you say? I’ll have to check on it. Computer, display inbox on room monitor.”
One wall lit up and displayed a list of messages. “There-- that one” pointed Japheth. “Computer, open message 4.”
A calm voice filled the room. “Noah, I have become fed up with My creation. Everywhere people are turning to evil. I cannot find one good reason to leave the earth as it is, so I am going to reboot the earth. Perform a full purge. Hit Ctrl-Alt-Del. Since you and your son are the only good people on the planet, I want to preserve you-- as well as your wife, your sons, and their wives.
“I want you to build a huge space ark. Not one of those pathetic little cheapie star destroyers, I mean something REALLY huge.
“Attached I have put the blueprints for Project Reboot, as I have named it. Start production immediately. Be sure to follow the plans exactly. If you run out of money, tell Me, and I’ll make sure you get more. This is God, over and out.”
A long silence ensued.
“Well,” said Japheth, “that was interesting.”
///
Noah decided to he had better get to work. But when he opened the file attached to the voice mail, he was astonished. This thing was huge! He had taken it for granted that God had been kidding when he complained about those “cheapie” star destroyers, but God wasn’t joking! It would be, if ever completed, fourteen Space Ball fields long and one doop rack field wide! He would turn every carpenter, electrician, grocer, and pet shop owner in the country into millionaires!
Noah thought about how his sons would take it. Japheth was the tall, slightly quiet one. A somewhat wiry lad, he was a growing, strong Christian, a practicing optimist, and was the closest to his father of the three sons. Japheth had great faith in his father, and, as Noah would have predicted if he had seen the message before Japheth, took the news with faith that everything would turn out right.
Shem was the more aggressive of the three. Shem was an expert at cracking computer security systems, and spend a lot of his time writing new programs for helping him get into restricted documents faster, more easily, and more smoothly. He was having doubts in his walk with God, and Noah was concerned about how he would take the news.
Ham was his third son. Unfortunately, when Shem and Japheth were born, the family used up their whole supply of genes labeled SMART. Thus, Ham was slightly slower than his brothers, and could generally hold only one thought at a time in his head.
Noah’s wife. Noah smiled as he thought of his beloved wife. Her first reaction, he was sure, would be to pack sandwiches for all. Sarah was a wonderful lady, with short, grey hair and a passion for knitting. Noah wondered how they would get by without her maternal influence.
He quickly called his other sons to his side, briefed them, and asked if there were any questions. Both were silent for a minute, and then Shem soothed, “Now dad, don’t worry. Everything’s going to be all right. Now just step right into this nice, comfortable straightjacket...”
“I’m not kidding, boys! God actually said that! Here, listen to this. Computer, repeat most recently played message.”
Again the calm voice filled the room and outlined the plans for the ark, and again the long silence sounded. “Where did you get this, Dad?” Shem asked.
“It came in with the voice mail this morning. You should have seen the attachment it had on it! Here, I’ll show it to you. Computer, open the attachment for this file.”
A hologram appeared in the center of the room, showing the dimensions, shape, and everything else they would need to know to build the ark.
“Cool!” said Japheth.
“When do we start?” said Ham.
“Impossible!” said Shem.
“Come on, boys, we can do it! When God’s on our side, we can do anything!”
“I dunno, Dad, this thing looks pretty big. It could take years to build. And what if God doesn’t come through with the money? We’d be broke in a week!”
“It looks big?!? Would you rather be toasted alive, drowned like seaweed, or whatever God decides to do with the earth?!?”
“I see your point.”
“And how is it possible that God won’t come through with the money? We’re talking about God Himself, the Creator of the universe, the One who never, ever breaks his promises! Don’t worry about that. He’ll come through, all right.”
///
“Stuff-mart carry-out service, may I help you?”
“Yes, please. I’d like 5000 pounds of durasteel, and about, say, twice that in assorted animal feed.”
Silence.
“Excuse me, can you repeat that please?”
“Certainly. I’d like 5,000 pounds of durasteel and 10,000 pounds of assorted animal feed. Oh, and do you accept MasterCard?”
“Hold on.”
“Stuff-mart management department, may I help you?”
“Yes, please. I’d like 5000 pounds of durasteel, and about, say, twice that in assorted animal feed.”
Silence.
“Excuse me, can you repeat that please?”
“Certainly. I’d like 5,000 pounds of durasteel and 10,000 pounds of assorted animal feed.”
“Welllllll, how soon do you need it?”
“Not immediately, but I’ll tell you this much: it’s in the interest of the survival of the human race, as well as all the animals.”
“Hmm... Well, I might be able to get the durasteel to you by next week, but the animal feed might take a few months. I could probably get it to you in installments, though. That’ll be $897,406.89. It’d be more, but we’re having a sale on animal feed.”
“Great. Do you accept MasterCard?”
“Of course.”
“Good. One of my sons will be over to finalize at 2:00.”
///
“NowLite rent-a-builder department, may I help you?”
“Yes, we need a team of builders. We have the plans all made out, and all the durasteel ready, we just need a team of about 100 builders, ten engineers, and anything else you’d need to build a 50,000 meter long space ark.”
“O.K. How soon do you need ‘em?”
“Next week.”
“All right, that’ll be $499.98.”
“Do you take MasterCard?”
“‘Fraid not. Only checks... or, of course, hard cash.”
“Hmmm... OK, one of my sons will be over at 2:00 to hand it over. He’ll be the one with the briefcase.”
“Sure you don’t want to use a check?”
“Nope.”
“Your funeral, pal. All right, see ya soon.”
“Bye.”
///
“Best Friend Animal shelter and pet shop, sales department, may I help you?”
“Depends. Can you deliver one male and one female of every single species of animal on earth to our doorstep within the next 120 years?”
“Yeah, right, wise guy.”
Click.
“OK, I’ll try someone else. Maybe I started wrong.”
BEEP BEEP BEEP boop BEEP boop beep
“Joe’s Animal Store, sales department, may I help you?”
“Hi, I’d like a male and a female of every type of animal in existence; do you think you can handle that?”
Pause.
“How soon do you need them?”
“Sometime within the next 120 years.”
“I’d really like to be able to say yes, but I don’t think it would work out. Try the SPCA.”
“Good idea. Believe I will.”
///
“SPCA, may I help you?”
“I need to speak to someone in charge.”
“Hold on.”
Pause.
“SPCA management department, may I help you?”
“Hi, this is Noah. I’m building a space ark, because I have it on good authority that a major event is about to happen on earth that no-one on earth is going to survive. Anyway, I need one male and one female of every single type of animal on earth.”
“Hmmm... you realize you will have to pay a lot for this?”
“Well, I was hoping to get them for free, but if that won’t work out... I suppose I could pay, say, a thousand dollars for it.”
“How soon do you need them?”
“Within 120 years.”
“I’d say that’d be worth, right, about a thousand dollars.”
“Deal.”
“All right, we’ll start work on the project. What’s your address?”
Noah told him, terminated the connection, and then turned to his sons and wife. “Everything’s taken care of. Let’s see, we have durasteel, animals, animal feed, builders... The builders should know what else we need.”
“Um, Dad?” Ham broke in. “You forgot one of the animals. Guess. Stands about 6 feet tall, no fur, stands on it’s hind legs, has long hair.”
“Let me guess... Melissa.”
Melissa was Ham’s dream. Besides being absolutely drop-dead gorgeous, she had a masters in physics, was a young Christian, and didn’t know Ham from what you get out of a pig.
“Speaking of which, we need wives too,” interjected Japheth.
“Uh... yeah.” agreed Shem.
Sarah interjected that the whole trip would be so much homier with a few more women on board.
“Well, er, you can’t rush these things,” replied Noah.
“True, but we need to start thinking about it. I want to make sure I get the right one before I get on a six-month journey with her with no way to get off.” said Shem.
“Don’t worry; you do have 120 years to pick. Oh, hey, changing subjects, would you mind going to hand over the money for the builders at two? I’m sending Japheth to get the durasteel.”
“Aw, do I have to do it? I’m not good with animals. Send Ham; he loves all those cute little squirrels and all that jazz.”
“No, I don’t think that would work out... he might get too attached to them and forget to come back.”
///
“Hey, boss. Incoming SkyCar. Hey, must be one of those Noah people coming to pick up the durasteel; it’s got a HUGE cargo bay on the back end..”
“Of course, Biff,” replied the overseer. “Vwhy is he so late?”
“Probably took him an hour to get that cargo bay hooked up. We’re lucky he isn’t two hours late.”
“Oh vwell. Do you have ze durosteel?”
“I thought you had Jason take care of that.” The cashier cursed.
“Vwhy, do not say such a thing! I not like it when you say zat. Jason told me you prepared ze durasteel.”
“Jason’s a turkeylips. Jason was supposed to get the durasteel.”
“You get ze durasteel.”
“Jason gets the durasteel.”
“You get ze durasteel or you get ze boot, if I may use ze Amarican exzpressióne.”
“Did anyone ever tell you you are very convincing?”
“Hey, guys. Got the durasteel? Great. I’ll start loading it-” Japheth paused, scanning the faces of the two workers. “Oh, it’s not ready yet?”
“Vwell... no. Zese vworkers of mine, foo! Zey never get anysing done. Alvays qvarreling.”
“Oo. Father said that you said you’d have it.”
“Vwell... due to a zlight administrative error, zese no-good vworkers of mine have, er, missed ze assignment,” the CEO replied nervously, trilling his r’s wonderfully.
“Hmm... hold on.” Japheth pulled a comlink out of his jeans pocket and held a hurried conversation with his father. After terminating the connection, he turned to the overseer, who was pronouncing the fate of his employee, and stated that if they could have the durasteel ready by tomorrow, then he would take it, otherwise they would take their business to another vendor.
“Oh, sank you, zir! Vee vill not dizappoint you ze second time!” the grateful manager replied.
///
“Incoming fleet of construction-class ships.”
“Thanks, computer. Hail ‘em.”
The wall monitor lit up, showing a mid-40’s man with a toupee.
“So, is this Noah I’m speaking to?”
“Yes, and your name is...?”
“Sam Skylark. Glad to meet you.”
“Very much so. So, you’re the top guy in the builder team we requested?”
“Uh huh. Say, uh... never mind.” The builder paused recalling that people didn’t generally like to have their son’s manners criticized this early into a job. People skills. Think people skills. “Do you have a field where we can get to work?”
“Try out back. Our durasteel supplier hiccuped, so the steel isn’t quite ready yet.”
“Well, we’ll start working on the bridge controls anyway. Can I see the plans?”
“Here they come.”
“Whoa, those nerds in sales weren’t kidding.”
“‘Fraid not. Anything else you need?”
“How about a place to park?”
“Oops. Here you go.” Noah hit the -MUTE- button and instructed his computer to open a docking bay.
“Thanks.” The worker terminated the connection.
///
“I KNOW zat you sought Biff would get ze durasteel!!!”
“Then why is it my fault?”
“Because I asked you to get it, and you transferred ze load to him! Wizout pehmission!!”
“But he doesn’t have anything to do anyway, boss! I was only trying to even out the workload! I-”
“I, I, I! Zat’s all you eveh sink about! Now you will get ze durasteel, or I will have you fired and shot, in zat order!! Now get to work, you useless idiot!!!” The overseer was pink with rage.
“All right, all right, I’m going. Sheesh,” the worker grumbled as he reluctantly moved towards his post. Why did I join this dead-end job anyway, he muttered as he began the process and headed out toward the mixer at the back of the property.
///
The next day, Ham went out to check on the “project”, as everyone called it. “So, uh, is everything going okay?” he asked in the words he’d rehearsed several times in his bedroom. “Dad wants to know whether there are any, uh, problems.”
“No, everything is going on schedule so far,” replied one of the workmen.
Ham was about to answer when-- as fate would have it-- the doorbell rang.
Immediately everyone in Noah’s household dove for cover. If you lived in Noah’s household, you knew that you did not want to be in the path between Ham and the front door when the doorbell rang.
The first ring sounded. The family went into red alert, making tracks for the top of the table. Actually, they didn’t make tracks, they made patches of rubber. Ham’s legs went into warp 9, mowing down the innocent, unaware worker who hadn’t been briefed on Ham’s behavior.
The second ring. Ham’s superb directional-finding system told him he was headed the wrong way, so he whirled around, dug a half-meter ditch into the grass with his legs, and mowed the workman down again.
The third ring. Ham was in a zone. Two thoughts filled his mind: MELISSA and MUST GET TO DOOR. He blasted through the back door and entered hyperspace aiming for the front one.
Just as the fourth ring sounded, Ham pulled up short in front of the door, smoothed his hair at lightspeed and opened the door to face...
A mailman with raised eyebrows. “Sign for this package, mister?”
“Oh.” Condition green.
///
After signing for the package, Noah headed for the kitchen with his sons. “Whaddya think’s inside, Dad?” asked Japheth.
“I really have no idea, son. I did order that new module for the car recently, so it could be that...”
“Maybe my new knitting needles?” Sarah hopefully wondered.
“Open it! Open it!” cried Ham.”
Noah tapped the release button. Inside was... dough! Piles and piles of moohlah!
“It’s our first shipment from God!” exclaimed Japheth.
“Hmmm... What’s the return address?” asked Shem.
“Let me check... Well, that’s interesting,” replied the happy father. “There is none.”
“Interesting,” Shem surmised.
“What does it matter? We now have the funds to keep building the ark!” exclaimed Noah.
“And not only tha-”
“No, no, no, we are not going to spend this divine gift on designer studs. Or new modules for the simulator,” he added, glancing at a crestfallen Ham.
///
RING!
“I’m coming, I’m coming,” Noah groaned as he dragged himself out of bed.”
RING!
“All right! All right!” Noah picked up the vidphone. “Hello?”
“Hello, Monsieur Noah? Zis is your durasteel supplieur. I have ze durasteel ready.”
“Oh good. All right, Japheth will be over to pick it up. Noah out.”
“Wait, Monsieur Noah! I apologize for the contraire attitude of my vworkers. I have shifted ze blame to vwhere it belongs, and I am sure zat if you should eveh care to make anosser puhchase, you vill be most pleased by the kvality of our sehvice.”
“Thank you, I appreciate that. I am sure that if we ever need to make another purchase, we will come to you first.” If you survive the flood.
“You are too kind, Monsieur! I am sorry for getting you up so early!”
“Don’t think of it. Noah out.”
///
“Hey, have you guys see Noah’s latest project?”
“You mean that big pile of junk that he keeps in his back yard? Yeah. Never thought that Noah would turn out to be a garbage collector.”
These were the type of comments heard in Peewee Grove during the construction of the ark. It was a publicly known fact that Noah was, in fact, building a giant space ark containing millions of cages in his back yard. Obviously, Noah had cracked, and many of his neighbors had come over to try and restore his sanity, to ridicule him, or to just plain look with sad eyes on the remnant of what had before been the coolest head in town. Japheth and Shem had in fact developed a game: whenever the house computer informed them that a non-authorized bystander was strolling up the lawn, they would go to the window and theoretize about what type of person had come to visit their fair abode and what kind of damage they would try to do to their dear father’s ego. Shem usually won.
The comments often went something like this: “Poor Noah... So sad, you know, how such a stable person like him could have, decomposed, into, that...”
Or:
“Noah, you’re making a fool out of yourself. Mark my words, someday you’re going to look back on this and regret, I say regret will fill your heart. And your boys! What kind of future are you saving up in store for them? ‘Japheth son of Noah? Wasn’t he the one that went nuts in his early 540’s?’ That’s what they’ll say, Noah, that’s what they’ll stay.” And on and on and on.
Or:
“Noah... you’re an idiot.”
Short and to the point, but it got the job done. Noah was just about collapsing from the stress. Of course, he tried to tell them that God was going to destroy the earth with a flood, but they just laughed. Even with the mysterious money shipments to cheer him up, it was becoming too much for Noah.
One day came the final straw. Noah received a letter from the SPCA stating that he would have to stop work on the ark if he couldn’t immediately prove that this project had the best interest of spotted owls in mind.
Noah was furious. “Spotted owls?? I have the best interest of HUMANITY and ALL the animals in mind!!!!” he screamed into the vidphone.
“Now, Mr. Noah, don’t get all upset. We here at the SPCA-”
“I don’t care what you idiots at the Society of Fools think-- I’m going to save the human race whether you like it or not!” Noah hung up.
Japheth looked at him with raised eyebrows. “Was that really necessary?”
“I’m sorry, Japheth. I’m just stressed out right now. I think I’d better have my devotionals.” Noah trudged to his bedroom and closed the door.
Japheth watched his father with sad eyes. These last few days had been really hard on his dad. He needed something to cheer him up-- although what that could be, Japheth had no idea.
///
The years passed. Slowly the ark grew. The three boys obtained wives. The animals came one by one. Whenever their financial situation began to grow grim, another package came in the mail.
One day, Mrs. Noah walked in the door with a message from the builder’s team. “Mr. Skylark says the ark is almost finished! He wants you to make one last inspection before they put the finishing touches on it.”
“Thanks, Sarah. I’m on my way.”
///
“All right, Mr. Skylark, whacha got?”
“I think you’ll like it. I took the liberty of making a few minor changes, but the general structure remains the same.”
Noah frowned. That wasn’t what God had said. But this was an expert builder, and he would at least have to look at the changes before rejecting them. “All right, let’s see them. Shem! Ham! Japheth! Come on! We’re going to tour the ark!”
The builder tapped a button on his belt. “Higgins, five to beam up.”
Noah sprang forward in sudden alarm. “Mr. Skylark, I don’t think that’s a good ide-”
The fivesome shimmered and were gone.
Several instants later on the ark, Ham whispered to his father, “Dad, I don’t feel so-”
“I know son. Mr. Skylark can we tour the restrooms first? My son has an emergency. Transporters make him heave.”
“Sorry, sir.” Sam led them to the turbolift at one corner of the transporter room. As it shot upwards, Skylark remarked, “That reminds me of the first modification I made-- You have a shuttle bay, but I noticed you didn’t have a transporter system included in the plans.”
“Now you know why. Well, keep it in place if you must, but I don’t want to have to pay for that thing.”
“Of course not, sir.”
Several minutes later, Ham walked out of the bathrooms with a relieved expression on his face. “Hey, Mr. Skylark-- impressive restrooms. I never seen a bathroom so clean.”
“That’s because it’s new, sonny. They’ll dirty themselves up soon enough.”
Noah interjected, “All right, all right. Enough chitchat. Improvisement number two, Mr. Skylark?
///
“Improvement number two: I changed the color of the floor tile in the bathrooms from neon orange to permacrete white.”
Noah glared at Shem, who was almost successfully trying to hide a guilty grin. Almost. Shem had a passion for hacking, but Noah remembered certain details about the ark from the first time he opened it. The white bathroom tile was one of them. “Approved.” Good thing I backed up the file to an unrelated file name as soon as I received it, he thought.
“Improvement number three: I reduced the size of Bedroom 3 from half of the ark to the same size as the others.”
Three looks, each of which would have melted silicon, caught Shem full in the face. I really need to learn to draw the line, he thought to himself.
We’ll talk later, he saw in his father’s eyes. Uh oh.
“Improvement number four: I updated the computer system to the latest version. Seriously, Mr. Noah, the control program that ‘God’ gave Adam and Eve 500 years ago is just a little bit obsolete, don’t you think? You can’t earnestly expect to control a ship this size with-”
“Mr. Skylark, I know exactly what I’m doing and I want my choice of computer system on this thing. I don’t care if my computer has a few less features and a lot less bugs, I want the Master’s control system on this boat if you have to tear apart the whole thing and rebuild it. And don’t tell me the system doesn’t have an uninstall option; I’ve read the reports and I know exactly and perfectly well what I’m doing. Is that clear?”
“Yes sir.” The foreman grimaced.
“Good. Make the changes. I’ll come here tomorrow and I want this thing finished. Got it?”
“Yes sir.”
///
Japheth walked into the room just as Zorg blew Luigi away with his ion torpedoes. Melissa giggled. “How goes it, space ranger?” queried Japheth in a voice meant to sound like a space policeman, although it came out sounding like a dweeb.
“Terrible. I wish you’d never learned how to reprogram Nintendo; the original program was a lot easier.”
“Aw, that was no fun. The evil king in the original was way too easy; I beat him every time I played.”
“Yeah, but what about us?”
“You just have to learn. There are secrets in these games, you know.”
“Yeah, but I still don’t think it’s fair.”
“Where’s Shem?”
“Dad’s still talking with him in the other room.”
Japheth put his ear to the door. The drone of his father’s voice did not give any sign of letting up soon, aside from Shem’s sad grunts coming more and more often. Good, he thought to himself.
He turned to his brother. “I’m going out. I have something I want to buy.”
“Happy trails.”
///
As Japheth jumped onto his rocket scooter and punched in the coordinates for the army store, he thought about what he was planning to get. He’d already written up and copied to disk the text on his computer, and had saved up the money for the gift. Now all he had to do was go out there and get it.
Twenty minutes later, he arrived home and docked his vehicle. After checking to make sure that there was no one in the hallway, he quietly sneaked into his room and sealed the door. He quickly dipped the box in the automatic wrapper and watched as the wrapping paper hardened. Then he quickly rolled up the flatscreen TV and placed his hand on the wall behind where it had lay. The hidden safe opened, and he placed the package inside before commanding the safe to close. It slid shut with a swish, and he let the TV unroll. He let out a breath. His secret was safe.
///
The next day, Noah was up bright and early to check on the ark. “So, Mr. Skylark, finished yet?” he queried over the temporary ship-to-house connection.
“Almost. The computer is uninstalling itself right now. After that all we have to do is run the setup program for your system and enter your profiles.” The connection fizzled as the computer finished its uninstall.
“We’ll do the profile entering. All right, after you finish installing, tell me and figure your bill. I’ll be waiting for your signal. Noah out.”
///
After the computer finished loading the control program, Noah was quick to board the ship and take control of the vessel. He entered a command password, set access rights for his sons (no DELETE *.* for Ham!) and assigned rooms to each of them.
Just as he finished these administrative tasks, his computer flashed EMERGENCY MESSAGE and Ham’s face appeared on the screen. “Um, Dad? Could you come to the front door, like, real quick? There are some army guys here, with, Class I phasers, and they kinda want to see you real bad.”
“I’ll be right there, Ham. Don’t worry.”
Noah quickly saved his modifications and headed for the transporter room. Once there, he grabbed a communicator off the table and instructed the computer to activate the transporter on his signal. He set coordinates for just inside the front door.
///
“All right, gentlemen, what seems to be the problem?”
“Are you Noah son of Lamech?”
“Yes, why do you ask?”
“I’m agent Darth son of Bartholomew, and this is agent Wheel, son of Agon. You are under arrest for violation of the Endangered Animals Precinct, section 3, paragraph 14. I’m afraid you’ll have to come with us.”
“Why, when did I do that?”
“The SPCA has filed a complaint against you for violation of the Rights of the Spotted Owls. Apparently you are planning to imprison two owls for an extended period of time without their written permission.”
“Oh, that. Can I just say I’m sorry and ask for their permission?”
“Afraid not.” The policeman slapped a gooey mixture onto Noah’s wrists which hardened in seconds.
“Okay, hold on.” Noah turned to his sons. “Guys, I’ll be back soon. Meanwhile, finish loading on the rest of the animals.”
“Okay, Dad,” Shem said rather shakingly. The boys’ wives’ eyes were huge. Sarah handed him a sandwich.
“Don’t worry, everything will turn out fine.” Noah turned and headed for the police cruiser.
///
As Noah sat in the dingy jail cell, he mentally ran over the trial. It had been a basic “Kangaroo Court”, as Shem would have put it, simply a formality required to lock him up. Of course, his defense hadn’t been all that strong, but there had been little he could do about that.
He smiled as he remembered the look on the young prosecutor’s face when Noah asked, “Well, why did it take you this long to file a case? Why wasn’t this resolved years ago?”
“Well, er, one of our computer users hit the wrong button and deleted our entire computer system. We had backups, but none of them had your name on them. We only recovered the last of the files a week ago,” the representative nervously replied.
Suddenly he straightened up. What had they said was his sentence? A year? Yes, that was it. But God had said that the rains would be coming in a week! He would be long drowned before he ever got out of this prison! And so would everyone else!
He quickly got up and inspected the walls of his prison. Tapping every square centimeter of permacrete, he could find not a single area that was hollow or that might serve as a secret exit.
He walked over to the door. The force field appeared solid, without any flickers or shimmers, and he doubted that he could bring it down by messing with the wires from the inside; he’d have to break through the wall beside it first, and that prospect didn’t look appealing.
He started pacing. There must be a way out. God wouldn’t have put him in this situation without a way out. Or would he? It had been Noah’s fault that he’d lost his temper on the phone. Perhaps this was God’s way of punishing him. He sat down on the bed and began to pray.
He prayed for forgiveness, firstly. He prayed for forgiveness for losing his temper and prayed for the ability to control it in the future. He prayed for his sons-- what were they doing right now? They would probably be scared to death! The police had stripped him of his communicator and all his other tools, but they hadn’t counted on his ability to pray. He lay down and fell into a fitful sleep.
///
“Yeeha! This baby is somethin’!”
Shem was having the time of his life. After cracking Noah’s access codes, he’d teamed up with his brothers to launch the ark and get it into orbit. Now all he had to do was find and navigate to the penal colony where Noah was imprisoned. Ham’s voice came over the intercom, “WeatherWatcher 001 reporting: Cloudy skies, humidity 40%, 80% chance of rain today. We’re running out of time, guys.”
Japheth, up on the bridge, yelled, “Hey, Shem-- get your nose out of Engineering! I need your help up here! These controls are way too complex and I can’t steer and manage the Science station at the same time!”
“Ten-four, big daddy. I’ll be right up.” Shem headed for the turbolift.
///
Noah knew that something was wrong. For some reason, he was in an argument with a judge that looked strangely like... he looked closer... almost exactly like... an owl. He knew that an owl was the proverbial symbol of wisdom, but having an owl as a judge was definitely weird. Suddenly the courtroom was full of people. Slime monsters that looked like huge statues made out of the material that the police had used as handcuffs were driving him toward a wheel. They were putting him into a hamster’s wheel! He tried to resist, but there was too many of them; they shoved him on it and locked the door. The wheel began to turn, and he had to run to stay on his feet. Faster and faster and faster the wheel turned, and he knew that he couldn’t make it, he couldn’t keep up... “Shem! Ham! Japheth!” he cried. “Help me!” but they just laughed. Ham tried to feed him some hamster kibble, but he was running too fast... Japheth ordered four Big Macs, and the three brothers began eating, but Noah couldn’t have any... The boy’s wives looked over and giggled, teasing him with fries... Sarah handed him a sandwich, but it melted into slag in his hands. Shem looked over and saw his father running desperately, and trying to get the extra hamburger, so he held out his hand with the Big Mac, but it was too far away... Noah tried and tried to reach it, but he couldn’t... reach...
Noah woke up in a cold sweat. As he tried to calm his rapid breathing, he thought, It’s only a dream. It was only a dream.
This kind of self-pity would never help anything. He shook himself, physically and mentally. He got off the bed and sat down next to the door. In the morning, he would formulate a plan for escape. For now, he would sit and pray.
///
“Found him!”
“Excellent, cap’n! Now all we have to do is break him outta there!” Shem replied to Japheth’s excited cry. “Where’d they stick him?”
“In the dungeon underneath their fortress. No, I’m not kidding, it really is dark, cold, and clammy under there if the sensors are right. Humidity 78%, temperature 75 degrees Fahrenheit.”
“What creeps. All right, beam him up.”
“Um, I don’t think that’ll work.”
“Why not? Send down a shuttlecraft if it makes you feel better,” a surprised Shem asked.
“Even a shuttle couldn’t get through the forcefield they’ve put over the complex. They were ready for us.”
///
Noah jerked awake. What was that sound he’d heard? It had sounded like...
It was gone. “I must have been dreaming again. I must stay awake!” he mused to himself.
There it was again! A distinct chord had sounded softly somewhere near him.
Noah grimaced. What could be playing music here at this time of night? (At least he thought it was night. Here, it was hard to tell.)
A third time, the chord sounded, but this time it was accompanied by a second chord and a brief glimmer of light. Noah looked around. As near as he could tell, the light had come from the middle of the floor. How could that be? There was nothing there. He even got up and pushed on all the stones in the direction from which had come the light. Nothing unusual. Noah sat down again.
Suddenly the room exploded into light. A calm voice filled the prison cell. “Noah, I know all the trials you have come through. I know how you have been faithful to me through it all. Soon you will be able to rest from your work.”
“Lord, I- I’ve failed you,” Noah stammered. “I’ve majorly messed up Your work, and- and I don’t think I deserve any of Your grace. I haven’t been able to- to control my temper, and it’s probably right that I’m here.”
“Noah, deserving has nothing to do with it. I know your sins, and they are forgiven. Now, rest, for you have a long journey ahead of you.”
The light faded, and Noah lay back, resting in God’s perfect peace. He didn’t even notice when he slowly faded out of the jail cell.
///
“What’s happening?”
“Transporter lockon has vanished!” yelled Shem to his panicked brother. “We’re losing him!”
“Sensors indicate an empty cell!”
“Wait a minute, wait a minute-- Security indicates four human life-forms aboard this ship! We’ve been boarded!”
“Ham-- get your rear out of the weather station and head for room C4!” Japheth hollered into his communicator.
The two brothers grabbed two phasers each and headed for the designated section of the ship-- Bedroom 1.
///
It was a happy family reunion when the three brothers found that they had been “boarded” by friendly forces. All three of them had a lot of catching up to do, but there was no time to do it in the bedroom; 50,000-meter space yachts can’t run themselves forever. So, after strolling over to the bridge, they had a long talk about how did the trial go, and the trouble with the dinosaurs (the raccoons got into the eggs), and all the we missed yous and we’re so glad you’re backs and the long bear hugs that would take pages to write down. But aren’t these some of the things that make life worth living?
///
So, what more can I say? God completed the flood. Every last life-form on the planet was wiped out, except for the ones within the confines of Noah’s space ark. But after 6 months of replicator fodder, the family was getting tired of it.
After hearing the complaints of the three girls, Noah asked Ham whether they could send a probe out to check for any dry land. “Aye aye, sir!” replied the boy. “Launching probe!” The next day, the probe returned to the ship with no findings. Ham read its memory banks and reported to his father: “No landmasses above water. I’ll launch the probe again in a few days.”
He did so, and this time the probe returned with good results-- it had succeeded in retrieving a section of wildlife.
The family oohed and aahed over the exiquite leaves, the slender stem-- they hadn’t seen a stitch of wildlife (except for the animals and their food) for almost a year!
The next day, when Ham launched the same probe out a third time, it only sent back a radio message-- “Have found landmass. Will continue to broadcast beacon signal.” That and a continuous tone were all that they heard from it.
Noah called a meeting. “Land has been found. We are going to land the ark and head for the surface in a organized, calm manne-”
That was as far as he got. Noah was nearly trampled in the stampede to the viewscreen.
“Where? Where?” screamed Stephanie, Japheth’s wife.
“I don’t see anything!”yelled Josephine, Shem’s lovebug.
“Should I pack sandwiches?” questioned Sarah.
Ham yelled, “Show forward starboard upper camera!” The view changed, but still nothing dry could be seen. “Er, that’s forward port upper camera.” I need to catch up on my boat terms.
The next instant, the whole crew was partying. “Yeeha!” yelled Shem. “Finally, no more processed air!”
“I’ll get to resupply my makeup!” proclaimed Stephanie.
“Um, I wouldn’t be to sure about that, sweety,” Japheth sadly stated. “All the stores got wiped out.”
“Well, what about my clothes? I’ve already worn nearly all of them-- twice!!”
“We’ll make you some new ones,” Noah smiled, but inside he thought, Out of what? I doubt she’ll appreciate the animal skins we can sew together.
A silence hung in the air for several seconds, and then Japheth quietly intoned “Science station launching probe.” Everyone quickly crowded around the console, as Japheth reported, “Temperature 84 degrees Fahrenheit, humidity slightly above normal, one landmass above water level located.”
“Setting course for landmass,” added Shem.
Noah replied, “Ready the shuttlecrafts. We’re going home.”
///
While Noah and the three boys began loading the animals into the shuttlecrafts, Josephine (Shem’s wife) decided to do some exploring. “Those stuck-up men never allowed me to do anything on the bridge. They say I don’t know how, huh? Well, I’ll show them! A woman can do these things just as well as a man!” With that, she walked up to the main computer and started exploring. The fist thing she came upon was the settings for the transporter. Ignoring the EMERGENCY ONLY signs, she said, “Well, this isn’t right. Transport everything should be set to on. Don’t want to beam down missing a liver.” With that, satisfied that she had done a good deed, she flounced off of the bridge.
///
“OK, that should do it. Let’s see-- aardvark, armadillo, what’s left of the Angeosaur...” Noah started down the list of animals. They were all accounted for. “All right, start the launch procedure.”
Noah knew that the autopilot would take all the animals to the still-broadcasting probe no problem. That was the least of his worries. He was wondering how on earth he was going to land the ark without hurting it. They had all the technology of their previous world there, at least in blueprint form, and if anything happened to the databanks, Noah would never forgive himself.
“All right, everyone into the Personnel shuttle.”
“Personnel shuttle? Um, well,-”
“Don’t give me that. The personnel shuttle is here, right? Please say it’s here.”
“The impulse engines on the lions’ shuttle broke down,” Japheth replied sheepishly. “I had to cannibalize something. Can’t we all just beam down?”
Noah glanced over at Ham who was turning slightly pale already. “Most of us could, but I don’t want our first impression on this brand new planet to be, uh, well...”
Ham was in full agreement. “How about the emergency lifeboat?”
“I suppose you could use that, but what if something goes wrong? How would I get out?” objected Noah.
“Use the transporter, of course.”
“Well what if that locks up?”
“OK, OK. Let’s see... Wait a minute, this thing doesn’t have one of those motor scooters does it? Let me check... Yes! All right, we beam down to the surface. Ham takes the motor scooter, and when you’re ready,” here Japheth motioned to his father, “you either beam down or take the lifeboat. How does that sound?”
“Perfect!” proclaimed Ham.
“Profound!” replied Stephanie.
“I hope this works,” muttered Noah.
///
After beaming the crew down, Noah headed for the bridge to do some piloting. As he walked in the door, he pulled up short and stared at the viewscreen.
ERROR AT 1004673:3274602
CONFLICT IN TRANSPORTER.DLL WITH LIFESUPPORT.VBX
Master control system has become unstable. You can a) attempt to continue, b) shut down transporter pads, or c) shut down lifesupport, or d), self-destruct.
If you attempt to continue, the system may crash, shutting down lifesupport, transporter pads, and all other systems.Suddenly Noah remembered the small guilty feeling he had had, dismissing as irrational, as he had given the green light for the transporters. I’m sorry, Lord, I had no idea.
Now, though, there was no choice but to try to remedy the problem. Noah chose option B.
The screen cleared, only to reappear with the same message. Noah pressed the same button again, but this time nothing at all happened.
Noah pondered his options. He could attempt to continue, but that might jam the lifeboat bay door controls closed, turning his beloved ark into a huge fiery coffin.
He considered pulling the plug on lifesupport. He knew that the atmosphere inside the ship wouldn’t immediately collapse (it would gradually decay, changing from mostly oxygen to mostly carbon dioxide to pure carbon dioxide), but he wasn’t so sure about the artificial gravity. There would probably be some gravity from the planet they were in orbit around, though. And he would never stand to blow the whole ship up. He chose option c.
Immediately the hum of the air processors stopped, most of the gravity released, and Noah was adrift. He ordered the computer to shut down the transporters, and then re-activate lifesupport. It failed to do either. He ordered a scan for a good place to set the ark down. No response. He ordered activation of manual helm control of the ship. No answer.
Noah was stuck.
///
With great reluctance, Noah abandoned the bridge. There was nothing he could do here. Strangely enough, as he walked over to the door, it didn’t open. He waved his hand and jumped up and down in front of it. Nothing happened The automatic doors must be controlled by Life Support. Great.
He fished around in his pocket for something to get the door open with. He felt his communicator, his miscellaneous fix-all tool, and— wait, what was this? A phaser! Just like... exactly like the type the guards from the SPCA had used! Noah’s face erupted in an ear-to-ear grin. God was with him, he should have realized all along that He would make a way out. He stood back and took aim at the door.
///
After making his way through the maze of corridors now so familiar to him, blasting doors as he came to them, he finally came upon the emergency lifeboat system. This, fortunately, was separate from all the other power grids, and worked independently from the Life Support system. He entered, powered up the launch thrusters, and blasted off! Through his rear-view mirror he saw the ark head for a large mountain. Noah knew exactly what he would call the sight of the crash: Mt. Error At.
///
The family was glad to see their beloved father again, especially after their communicator calls to the ark hadn’t come through. They were disappointed that the ship it had taken them 120 years to build had been lost, but, as Sarah put it, “at least no one was on it when it crashed.”
At one point Japheth put his arm around his father. “Dad, there’s something I’d like to tell you, and that is that you have been a remarkable father through all of this. I watched as all those people tried to tear you down, and I saw how you dragged yourself out of bed each morning only to face another round of jeers. Before we left, I got this for you.”
Japheth handed his father the box-- the gift he had bought all those months ago. He smiled as his father opened it-- a captain’s uniform bought at a navy store. “Remember that lady that said ‘someday you’ll look back on this and regret will fill your heart’? I wanted to make sure that didn’t happen. Read what’s written on the hat.”
Noah looked closely at the brim. Engraved in tiny letters was this message:
NOAH SON OF LAMECH
ARK CAPTAIN FIRST-CLASS
BROUGHT THE HUMAN RACE THROUGH THE GREATEST CRISIS YET KNOWN TO MAN
JOB 9:8
Noah smiled as he recited the verse from memory: “He alone spreads out the heavens, and treads on the waves of the sea.”
“I put that there to remind you that even during the time in prison, even when the computer locked up, even as you had to bail out from your 120-year project with all the technology of the world on it, God was with you through the whole thing.”
Noah smiled, tears in his eyes. “I know, son. I know.”
I wrote this back when I was...thirteen? Fifteen? Long time ago. It's lame in spots, but it's original, at least. This story was featured in Kid's View magazine a while back. Enjoy.
© 2005 - 2024 DawnPaladin
Comments1
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Heehehehe, I can imagine God Ctrl-Alt-Deleting everyone 
hehe fabulous! 
hehe fabulous!